i may lose, but i also gain.

i think sometimes i get so caught in the mess going on around me that i forget just how much i actually have. so many things have changed lately that i have found myself wondering who i am, what i want, and what im supposed to do. i keep thinking of the future and freaking out. its like ive started to live in fear of everything. fear of losing my dad completely, fear of never being good enough, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, fear of not doing good in school. i couldnt sleep this morning because my mind was going 100 miles an hour. so, since music is what calms me down, i turned on pandora. and of course, God stopped me in my tracks.

"and if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? and if our God is with us, then what could stand against?"

I think that pretty much speaks for itself. why am i so worried about everything when the creator of the world is fighting for me every minute of everyday? sure, ive lost things and people. i've had to face things in my past 20 years that some 40 year olds havent even faced. i've had my heart broken, and ive even broken a few myself. these struggles have started to take over who i am, and how i feel about life. but today ive realized that it shouldnt be that way. the things that go in your life can either make you or break you- and its up to you which way it goes. i've let these things take over. but today i see them as my stepping stones. looking back, i wouldnt want to be the girl that i was before all of these changes.

i've lost alot, but i have gained so much more

Christ has been the only constant in my life. i've had moments of doubt, i've strayed, i've sinned, i've even been mad at Him. but even then, He remained the same. i truly belive that He is the reason that i am still alive today. He is the reason i made it through, the reason i am still standing strong. on the days that i come close to giving up, He just fights for me. i've lost alot, but i have gained so much more. i've gained peace and have that im never alone even when it feels that i am. i've lost relationships, but now i know exactly who i am without those people. i know who i can trust, i know who i cant. i have made mistakes, but now i know what i believe because of my own experiences- not just because it is what ive been taught to believe.

forget what you dont have, remember what you DO have

always looking at other people and seeing what they have, seeing the smile on their face, seeing what their boyfriends give them, seeing the clothes they have, seeing the looks they get, seeing the family that they have...can literally kill your self esteem and love for life. i know this because i have been that girl that compares herself to everything and everyone around her. i've looked in the mirror and cried because of the image i see looking back at me. i've doubted my relationship because i see other girls and their boyfriends doing more fun things, i see them getting gifts, or i see them with cuter pictures, etc. but ive realized that all those things dont last. and ive also realized that those people's lives arent as great as they seem. everyone has hard times, and everyone doubts themselves from time to time. so why compare? God made each of us exactly how He wanted us to be, why do we always feel the need to change it? our lives may not be what we thought they would be, they may not be like everyone elses..but i think thats okay.

i have so many amazing things in my life. i am blessed beyond words, i feel kind of foolish for over looking them so much. ive got a Savior that died for me. im in love with my bestfriend, and he loves me right back. as messed up as my family can be at times, i have one- and thats more than some can say. ive got ears to hear, and ive got eyes to see. i have the opportunity to be anything that i want, and that in itself is awesome to me.

its time i start seeing things a little differently. only worry about things i can control. stop freaking about the future, and stop living in fear. i know that eventually the good things will end, my heart my break, and i will probably have many more struggles to add to the list. but thats no reason to stop myself from being happy. im ready to stand with my arms high & heart abandoned.

just give me Jesus.

its amazing to me how Jesus Christ never changes, leaves, or forsakes us no matter what we do or how far away we stray from Him. i think that sometimes we lose ourselves, or maybe we never even knew who we were to begin with. its not until we are completely in love with Christ that we find where we belong. i have been through some of the hardest things in my life all in the past year, but i honestly wouldnt change a thing. i met someone who means the world to me this year..its safe to say that i will never be the same person as i was before. he doesnt know it, but because of him i have found who i am and i am finally at peace about everything. for the first time i think im falling in love. i made a decision to stick to my morals and to give it all over to Christ instead of just going with it because its what i want. its going to break my heart into two if i have to watch this person walk out of my life because of it, but i know that its the right thing and that Christ will put my heart back together again. i think its important that we always stick to what we believe. the things and the people in our life will never remain constant. the only thing that we have no matter what happens or where life takes us are Jesus Christ and ourselfs. so, find out who you are and go with it. never let the words of someone else dictate how you view yourself. God only creates beautiful things, dont ever let the faults of another man make you belive that you're less than beautiful. i have watched my dad over come things that doctors found impossible, ive seen my grandpa live through 3 different kinds of cancer, and have witnessed many other things that most would find hard to believe. its amazing what i little faith can do. i know that we have never seen a mountain move, no one alive today got to see Him split the sea into two, we cant fathom the image of Him walking on water...but there are so many other things that He has done, we are just too niave to notice them because we are so caught up in other things that we think are "important". i know that all things are possible in His name. because of this i will give Him my entire heart, life, and soul. like i said, it will kill me to watch the person that means most to me walk out of my life knowing that i could give in, change myself and what i stand for, but i will continue to pray that one day he will feel the love of Christ the way that i am right now. let Christ save you. look around, He's everywhere.

you can have all this world, just give me Jesus.